the last pieces of myself.

i am mid-twenties. i have my own apartment. who cares whether or not i have furniture. i have a bed. i have a television. i have the internet. i have champagne. i have a cell phone. i have wheels. i have one sick wardrobe. i have a job that makes it all possible without even walking out the door. ten years ago i would have started salivating at the mouth at all of this. so i've been dissappointed as of late because i'm always wanting life to be something greater than it is somehow. well something clicked tonight. its called a switchover. when it passes through me ...and in that moment in time a line is drawn that clearly defines the before and the after. i think its time to check out of the expectations of others and check into the sanctity of my own company. this is no life-altering moment. i dont say phrases that start with "from now on" because i don't believe in them. this is just some week long subatical from the world. the world that has turned on its own ability to function as soon as the winter weather rolled into town. well fuck that. i say this under my breath and not in a loud bitter scream.

"its only after we’ve lost everything that were free to do anything" -tyler durden

i happen to agree with this. maybe i'm going through some second shock wave of the fact that we broke up. that we didn't last. they we betrayed ourselves for ourselves. i think about him everyday. i think about the fact that its over, everyday. i know i made the decision i can live with but it still tries to haunt me. i'm fine though ...really. (this is where he starts to ramble) you don't believe me? hell sometimes i don't either. i'm okay. i don't have to convince anyone of this because the truth is that i don't so much give a damn when i'm talking about myself. what would it matter if someone else thought i had it together or not. all i need to know is that i can know my own intentions and i do know them. so i lost everything. so this is the bottom. i am in desperate need of attention. i am in desperate need of validation. i am in desperate need of one of my friends to go above and beyond this week and do something for me. i am going to turn my cell phone off. i can already feel it. i use to do it all the time because i refused to be "on" all the time. then i started leaving it on for months at a time. i'm going to start taking long candle baths. i'm going to start reading while sitting in a yoga pose. i'm going to start masturbating my way into next year. all the while the cell phone will be off. i'm starting to lose grip a little the last few days. turning the phone off is the only control i have so i'll take. you should be so lucky to be so candid. if you only knew the sex people were having and not telling you. if you only new the times he was having cyber-sex behind your back. or the full story people were keeping because they still hold out respect for those that have hurt them. the world is full of half truths and only showing the sides of yourself that are supposedly presentable. i no longer want to pursue those avenues. i'm ready to lose the last pieces of myself so i can finally be found.

i swear, if that kid would put half the energy he puts into writing out these senseless words day after day he might actually go somewhere someday. to be so self-involved. seriously.